


How do I move on?

by kitravenclaw



Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:23:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23446204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitravenclaw/pseuds/kitravenclaw
Summary: Claire's having a hard time dealing with the loss of Neil. Audrey is there to help and they find comfort in each other's friendship.
Relationships: Claire Browne/Neil Melendez
Comments: 20
Kudos: 44





	How do I move on?

**Author's Note:**

> I am not able to write fix-its just yet, so this will have to do. I have never been so heartbroken over a fictional death before, it hurts and it feels so unfair. But I have also come to terms with it (even though I'm still mad) but I can't keep holding on to those small details that they didn't officially say he's dead. Because that hurts just too much.   
> So I needed to write this, because I needed some closure. And I hope that the writers will give us something like this, his funeral, Audrey and Claire bonding over his loss, and if we're lucky, even some flashbacks. But I won't get my hopes up. But he and all the fans deserve some closure and I'll be so mad if they start off season 4 with a time jump....

She was sitting in his office. On the floor, against the wall. Her knees pulled up to her chest as she tried to see through her tears, which made everything so blurry. She didn’t know for how long she had been sitting there, her body had just froze in this position and she couldn’t get up. It still smelled of him in there, and it made her feel closer to him. It had been two days since he passed and she had never been more heartbroken. His voice still echoed in her head. 

_ “You’re going to be okay, Claire” _

She was so far from okay. She was so mad. “How could you think I’d be okay?!” she asked out loud, even though there was no one in there. 

Lim and Andrews was standing outside his office, observing the heartbreaking sight of Claire. Lim had tears in her eyes. She could feel all her pain. 

“What should we do, she shouldn’t be here in this state?” Andrews asked and switched his gaze from Claire to Lim. 

“I know. But I won’t send her home. I’m not going to let her be alone, because then we’re going to lose the best resident we have here.” Lim stated “After her mother passed, Neil was all that she had. He was her rock and right now she’s digging herself back in that hole, and I won’t allow that.” she continued. Audrey and Claire didn’t always see eye to eye, they were not especially close, but Audrey knew Claire needed someone right now. She was all alone without Neil, she had nothing to hold on to. And frankly, Audrey could also use a friend at this point. She was wired differently than Claire, and dealt with her grief in a different way. 

Audrey entered his office quietly. She looked at Claire, but she didn’t react. Her eyes were glassy-like and her gaze was empty. 

“Hey, Claire” Audrey said softly.

No response. 

Audrey kneeled beside her and put her hands on Claire’s knees. “It’s time to leave, Claire.” she said quietly. Claire simply shook her head. “I..I can’t leave” her voice was weak and barely audible. “You’ve sat here all day Claire. You haven’t eaten at all. Come on, let’s head out” 

Claire pushed her hands away “No! I can’t! I can’t...I can’t” Claire started sobbing uncontrollably again. Audrey just put her arms around her and held her for as long as she needed. 

Audrey had brought Claire home with her, gotten her to eat a few bites before she had collapsed on her couch. Audrey didn’t want to just drive Claire home and leave her alone. Neil had filled her in on some of the things Claire had struggled with after her mom died, and she knew how toxic Claire would be to herself if she was left alone with all her thoughts and feelings. If she fell back down that hole, it was no getting her back. Because she was no Neil Melendez. She couldn’t be for Claire what Neil had been, but she could and _would_ be her friend. 

  
  


Claire woke up the next morning on a couch she didn’t recognize. Her head was pounding after all the sobbing. She sat up and looked around. 

“Morning” Audrey said as she approached with two mugs of coffee. She handed Claire the one and sat down beside her in the couch. 

“Did I really sit in his office all day yesterday?” she asked and took a sip of the coffee. Her eyes were red and sore and her hair was a mess. Audrey nodded. 

“I just..I couldn’t get up..” Claire started trying to explain herself. “Hey, Claire. It’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything. 

Claire looked up at the clock. “Shouldn’t we be getting to work?” she asked. Audrey shook her head. “You and I both know you’re in no state to work.” Audrey stated. “But what about you?” Claire asked. “I’m grieving too, you know. And right now I think we need each other”

Claire scoffed at her response. “Then why am I this complete mess, and you are here giving me coffee?” She asked harshly, not meaning too. Audrey didn’t blame her. “We all deal with grief differently, Claire. It’s hard for all of us, but I know it’s harder for you, Claire. You’ve lost more than anyone deserves..” Audrey’s eyes were sad, because she could see all the pain and hurt in Claire’s eyes. 

“I know we don’t always see eye to eye on things, Claire. I’m not here as your boss, I am here as your friend. Neil also made me promise to be here for you” Audrey said and smiled softly. Claire looked up “he did?” she asked and Audrey nodded. “Yes. Because he knew you would need it. He was always so determined that you will be a great surgeon. He believed in you. He saw something in you that no one else did, and he made sure to teach you all his tricks. He said you’d move mountains, because that is just how incredible she is.” Claire finally managed to smile through the tears that again ran down her cheeks. “You can’t waist that talent, Claire. It wouldn’t be fair to you. To him.” Audrey added. “I know” Claire whispered “It’s just so hard”

They spent most of the day in silence. Just being there for each other. After a while Claire spoke again “I loved him you know” she said. Audrey turned to look at her. “Yeah, I knew” she said and sat back down beside her. Claire frowned and looked up at her “Why didn’t you confront us, or report it even?” Audrey sighed and smiled. “Well, first thing is I know how it is to love that man...and I knew you always kept it professional.” 

Claire bit her lip “I hate myself for even thinking this thought, but I keep wondering if he really loved me too, despite what he told me. I mean moral was always so important to him, and he could never be with me without damaging both our reputations. And I know he still loved you and your relationship ended when you outranked him, right?” 

“Don’t beat yourself up like this, Claire. Of course he loved you. And yes, Neil and I would always love each other, but we both had moved on, and that was the right thing for both of us.” Audrey said, smiling softly. “And I know for a fact that he didn’t just love you, he was  _ in  _ love with you. He told me that” she added. 

Claire wasn’t sure she heard right “He told you?” She nodded “Well I was about to confront him about you two but he came clean instead...

_ *Flashback* _

_ Neil walked into Audrey’s office, his hands were firmly placed on his hips as he paced back and forth. “I just screwed up. Big time.” _

_ Audrey raised her brows and looked at him “what did you do?”  _

_ Neil hesitated and bit his lip _

_ “Come on, if this is about Claire, I know you have feelings for her” Audrey said “Don’t worry I’m not going to yell at you. I’m your friend right now. Tell me what’s going on.”  _

_ “I.. I mean I always cared for her, but I have now idea when I got these feelings for her. It just snuck up on me out of nowhere.” he paused and debated whether he should continue. “I am so in love with her, and I have no idea what to do, Audrey. You gotta help me out here”  _

_ “Weren’t you the one that told Shaun that falling in love is something that unfolds naturally over time. You and Claire have become so close these past few months...what did you expect?”  _

_ “Pretty sure I just ruined it though..” Neil sighed _

_ “What could you possibly have done to ruin it?” Audrey asked _

_ “I just told her being around her made me a better person, and then she just said goodnight and left. I freaked her out. I definitely freaked her out!” he said in despair. _

_ “Do you hear yourself, Neil?” Audrey laughed softly. “You didn’t ruin it. Go talk to her” _

_ “It’s so wrong. I’m her attending, I’m putting her career in jeopardy..” he said worriedly. _

_ “I’m not saying I approve of this as your boss. And it will affect hers and your career if this were to come out. I want you to be happy, Neil. And I know that she makes you happy. But I advice you to be careful, she still have some time left before she would make attending. It would mean one of you would have to take a job elsewhere or…...then the only other option is marriage….” _ _   
  
_

_ Neil sighed and nodded as she spoke, his brows raised slightly at her last suggestion.  _

_ “But hey, I want you to be happy. So please go talk to her. I’m sure you two will figure something out.” Audrey smiled, she was truly happy for him. At first she had had trouble to come to terms with the fact that he was developing feelings for someone else. And especially considering it was his resident. But they both deserved to happy so she decided she was not the one who would ruin things for them.  _ -end of flashback-

“And then I assumed he went to go talk to you” Audrey said after she finished telling Claire this story. Claire was smiling widely, it made her so happy to know he truly loved her. She never really doubted it, but all this grieving made her head spinning. “What I don’t understand is, why you were so ok with this” Claire said and looked at her. 

“Yes, moral is important to him. But he never intended to fall in love with you or pursue you in any way. Neither did you I think. And we don’t choose who we fall in love with. And I couldn’t possibly blame either of you for falling in love with each other. It would have been different if it was your intention..if you get me?” Audrey explained. 

Claire nodded, smiling. “It breaks my heart that the two of you didn’t get a chance. I got my time with him, but you deserved the chance to be happy together” Audrey said, squeezing Claire’s hand. 

“He did come to see me after he talked to you” Claire said and smiled at the memory. “He was sitting on the stairs outside my door when I got home. I had just been to see my therapist…

_ *Flashback* _

_ “Neil? What are you doing here?” Claire asked as she stepped out of her car, surprised to find Neil on her doorstep.  _

_ He stood up and looked at her “Sorry, I know it’s late, but I had the feeling I freaked you out after our conversation earlier..” He said. Thank god it was dark outside, because then she wouldn’t see him blush.  _

_ “No you didn’t freak me out..I just didn’t know what to say.” Claire told him and smiled. They both looked at each other in silence, but perhaps it was a second too long, because the tension between them was so electric and before they knew it their lips met in passionate kiss. Their arms were around each other and Neil had her pressed up against her door, his hand tangled in her soft curls. The kiss eventually softened and slowed down and he pulled away. Their foreheads resting against each other for a few seconds, both panting softly and smiling. He stepped away and looked at her. “Sorry, I got a little bit carried away” He admitted. “I guess we both did” she replied, chuckling. “Hey, I don’t want to ruin this, so let's just not rush things?” Neil said softly, worried he’s hurt her feelings. Claire wasn’t hurt, not at all. She understood and she agreed to take things one step at a time. “It’s okay. I’m sure we’ll figure something out.” she replied. He smiled widely “okay then” he leaned in for a soft, innocent kiss. “Goodnight, Claire” he smirked, and slowly backed away, before he turned and walked away. “Night” she whispered, smiling to herself. _ -end of flashback-

Audrey smiled as Claire told her story. “It was just a couple nights before the earthquake, so never got the chance to discuss anything further” Claire said sadly and looked down. “But we had one kiss, one amazing kiss” She looked up again and smiled. Audrey put her arm around her. They stayed like that the rest of the night. Talking about their memories with him, taking turns on crying and hugging each other. 

The following weeks were the worst. She was in pain all the time and everything around her reminded her of him. She had lived with Audrey ever since she brought her home that night. She was truly thankful for their friendship, because without it she would have been much worse off. She and Audrey helped each other through each day, and slowly but surely, it got just a little bit easier every day. His funeral had been the worst, she didn’t want to go, but Audrey had convinced her. She sang for him. It was the most painful thing she had ever done, and she had burst into tears mid-song, but Audrey had thankfully swooped in and they had finished the song together. 

It was never the same without him at the hospital. But she got up everyday to go to work. She worked and studied hard and she performed great surgeries and she did it all for him, because she knew it was what he would have wanted her to do. He was always in her thoughts, but she was no longer crying everyday. She told herself she would never give up, she would be the best surgeon. For him. 

  
  


\----------------

  
  


It had been five months since he died. She had never been able to visit his grave, but today she had decided to do so. She had the day off, and she got him a small bouquet of flowers. She walked through the rows until she finally found his, and knelt in front of it. She put the flowers down and smiled softly. 

“Hey” she whispered. “I miss you…” she took a deep breath to hold the tears back. She sat there in silence for a while. It felt so weird talking to his grave like this, but it also felt good. “I’m _not_ okay with you gone…” she started “I’m _not_ okay with the fact that we didn’t get more time together.” She said and looked at his name across the stone. “But I am okay. Like you said I would be..I didn’t fall back into my hole...Audrey made sure of that” she laughed slightly and swallowed hard. “Oh, hey look at this..” she said and pulled her shirt halfway up. A small deer in silhouette was tattooed across her ribs. “I got this stupid tattoo...just for you” she laughed and let her shirt fall back down. A gust of wind hit her and rustled the leaves in the tree beside her. It was early fall and some of the leaves fell off and let the wind take them. One leaf, a red, almost heart shaped one landed just at her feet. She smiled and a tear rolled down her cheek as she looked up at the sky.

“I love you too” she whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys didn't cry as much as I did when I wrote this. I know it's not realistic we get flashbacks in season 4, but it hurts so much that Melendaire didn't even get a kiss. Not even a little innocent small one. So I just had to add that one in there.   
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
